Public and Three months clean!

After having our baby, we hadn't really gone out anywhere. We have been trying to "Focus" on one another. Given, we have gone to the grocery store, walks, parks, and etc. But Saturday came around and we decided to go to the mall--Not a good idea. The moment we walked in I found myself comparing myself to every woman in the place. Then wondering, "is my husband looking at them?" Then it hit, all the feelings of inadequacy and doubt started to creep in. I wanted to get far from this place far from everyone. But that's not reality. When we came home I realized that I cannot hide my husband in a box nor can I. There will always be prettier,skinnier,funnier women then me and I cannot compare. For if I do, I think I may go insane.

I was so MAD that I felt this way about myself. Before the pornography and escorts I was a strong women. I knew who I was, I knew what I stood for, and I was content with how I looked. I never questioned myself and he made me question cause of what he did. A course, I told him all this when we came home and he was sympathetic. But I said to him. "even though you did not look at these women I did not fell like (I) was the only women in the place." Meaning, the past few years of our marriage I felt we could walk into a room with 100 women, but I'd be the only one he noticed. And when the time comes when he is freed from this addiction(Cause he WILL always be recovering.) I know I will feel like the only women in the room again. So, for now I find peace in him being three months clean and saying, "No" to that urge that has controlled his life for so long.