After having our baby, we hadn't really gone out anywhere. We have been trying to "Focus" on one another. Given, we have gone to the grocery store, walks, parks, and etc. But Saturday came around and we decided to go to the mall--Not a good idea. The moment we walked in I found myself comparing myself to every woman in the place. Then wondering, "is my husband looking at them?" Then it hit, all the feelings of inadequacy and doubt started to creep in. I wanted to get far from this place far from everyone. But that's not reality. When we came home I realized that I cannot hide my husband in a box nor can I. There will always be prettier,skinnier,funnier women then me and I cannot compare. For if I do, I think I may go insane.
I was so MAD that I felt this way about myself. Before the pornography and escorts I was a strong women. I knew who I was, I knew what I stood for, and I was content with how I looked. I never questioned myself and he made me question cause of what he did. A course, I told him all this when we came home and he was sympathetic. But I said to him. "even though you did not look at these women I did not fell like (I) was the only women in the place." Meaning, the past few years of our marriage I felt we could walk into a room with 100 women, but I'd be the only one he noticed. And when the time comes when he is freed from this addiction(Cause he WILL always be recovering.) I know I will feel like the only women in the room again. So, for now I find peace in him being three months clean and saying, "No" to that urge that has controlled his life for so long.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Welcome!
I'm starting this blog to help me and to also help all of those who choose the other path, who decided to stay with their spouse through recovery. My husband is undergoing recovery at this time along with me. Even though I am not a sex addict, he is my husband and what he goes through (I) go through.This blog is not meant for "down-grading" the one who hurt you! Even though we have all been severely hurt, devastated, heartbroken, ripped into a million pieces and any thing under the sun. This blog is meant to give support in a time where support is needed. We hear of all the help that one can receive that has the addiction. But, we rarely hear of a place that offers support to the one they have offended. Or of the Women/man who decided to stay instead of divorce. So, feel welcomed and the only thing I ask is to not go into too much detail. We all need to heal!
*Please Note; I am not a Doctor of any kind just a mom/wife who has total faith that my family can be mended from the horrible, devastating addiction that so many people become acquainted with.
*Also, for privacy reason. Please leave comments anonymous. And feel free to email me at hope2recovery@gmail.com
*Please Note; I am not a Doctor of any kind just a mom/wife who has total faith that my family can be mended from the horrible, devastating addiction that so many people become acquainted with.
*Also, for privacy reason. Please leave comments anonymous. And feel free to email me at hope2recovery@gmail.com
My Story!
I have been married for almost five years. We have beautiful children together and I would have never known what my husband had been hiding for so many years.
We were a happy couple, looking at my husband you would have never known the "secret he was hiding." The moment we met we fell hard and deeply in love. He was knight in shining armor, my romeo and my dream come true. We had very few difficulties in our marriage. we were always there for one another, we laughed, we danced, we'd sing, we cried and we loved each other.
The it happened, he came to me one day stating, "he had a pornography problem. And he had it since he was a teenager. Well, I just broke down and cried. But, he said he would stop and we would get thought it. And it did stop or so I thought. Come nine months later we had another beautiful baby, who was perfect. We had come home from the hospital and my husband had left to the store. His email account had been opened and I didn't recognize this email. There is where I had found an email from a escort. As you can imagine I was devastated. I then confronted my husband about the email, but he said "nothing had happened". Course, I believed him. A week later he then came to me in tears stating he had slept with a number of escorts and he needed help. He said, "I don't know what's wrong with me, I have urges that I can't control." Now every person is different, but I knew my hubby. There was something seriously wrong.
Now over this time I had gone from one extreme to another. From wanting a divorce then wanting to stay cause he was my husband and I wanted to be with him for eternity. So...o many emotions. Later on the next week he had talked to our bishop and then saw a therapist. She gave me great advice. She said, "just so you know, sexual addiction is an un-emotional attachment." In my head that was some what of a relief, cause he was attached to (ME) emotionally. This wasn't like a normal affair, these women he looked at as pornography. And he never saw me as pornography. Phew! That was a relief. But, now we take one day at a time even sometimes hours at a time. I spend half my days on my knees to our heavenly father asking for strength. Which he greatly and thankfully provides me. There is hope and I know we will over come this and be a happy family once again. And I know you can overcome this too as long as you both want too!
We were a happy couple, looking at my husband you would have never known the "secret he was hiding." The moment we met we fell hard and deeply in love. He was knight in shining armor, my romeo and my dream come true. We had very few difficulties in our marriage. we were always there for one another, we laughed, we danced, we'd sing, we cried and we loved each other.
The it happened, he came to me one day stating, "he had a pornography problem. And he had it since he was a teenager. Well, I just broke down and cried. But, he said he would stop and we would get thought it. And it did stop or so I thought. Come nine months later we had another beautiful baby, who was perfect. We had come home from the hospital and my husband had left to the store. His email account had been opened and I didn't recognize this email. There is where I had found an email from a escort. As you can imagine I was devastated. I then confronted my husband about the email, but he said "nothing had happened". Course, I believed him. A week later he then came to me in tears stating he had slept with a number of escorts and he needed help. He said, "I don't know what's wrong with me, I have urges that I can't control." Now every person is different, but I knew my hubby. There was something seriously wrong.
Now over this time I had gone from one extreme to another. From wanting a divorce then wanting to stay cause he was my husband and I wanted to be with him for eternity. So...o many emotions. Later on the next week he had talked to our bishop and then saw a therapist. She gave me great advice. She said, "just so you know, sexual addiction is an un-emotional attachment." In my head that was some what of a relief, cause he was attached to (ME) emotionally. This wasn't like a normal affair, these women he looked at as pornography. And he never saw me as pornography. Phew! That was a relief. But, now we take one day at a time even sometimes hours at a time. I spend half my days on my knees to our heavenly father asking for strength. Which he greatly and thankfully provides me. There is hope and I know we will over come this and be a happy family once again. And I know you can overcome this too as long as you both want too!
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